listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
