Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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