Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
