i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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