Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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