me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
