The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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