Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
