hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
