Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
