Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
