I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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