i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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