i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
