Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
