I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
