Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
