My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
