I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
