Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
