I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
