turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
