Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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