dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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