I wish I could teleport
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
