I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
