I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
