When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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