Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
