My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Randomize
