I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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