She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
