dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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