so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
