dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
