Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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