i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
