No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
