My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
