his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
