What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
