Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
