I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
