her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
