i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
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