I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
