i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
