I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
