I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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