He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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