the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
