I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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