Tell her she can't have a vagina
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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