My Higher Power is John Stamos
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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